Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea for Searching Help

The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing.

Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, pizzas went unordered, and perhaps most disturbing, more than one child per family may have been conceived.

“We have done our best to set up emergency help centers,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao, “However, we set them up online and nobody can find them or figure out how to contact them. It’s best if you just stay in your homes. America, please help us! Send us one of your heroes like Superman or Batman or Elvis or Judge Reinhold. We would contact ourselves, but we can’t even find pictures of them.”

Google pulled out of China this week after the company became frustrated with the country’s heavy censorship.

“Google is an all-or-nothing deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “If you want maps, pictures, video, thousands of blogs, Gmail, everybody’s phone number, pictures of their houses, and every last bit of information in existence; you’ll have to agree to sift through a few web sites that mention the word ‘vagina.’ It’s just a fact of life. No unmentionables, no Google.”

Jintao, while making desperate pleas for help, did not back down from his desire to censor Google.

“Google flagrantly disregards the values that China holds dear,” said Jintao, “So, while we find ourselves suffering because we can’t locate the web page that tells us whether or not Abe Vigoda is dead, we still cannot give up on our fundamental values. Namely, we cannot let Google continue to show us search results that include words like ‘tromboner’ and ‘dipthong.’”

Jintao also expressed displeasure at the alarming number of web sites listed on Google that depict families with more than one child.

“Damn you, Coach Lubbock and your ‘Just the Ten of Us,’” said Jintao, “You will rot in hell alongside the man named Brady who married a harem of unnaturally blond women.”

President Obama pledged to send help to China immediately.

“We owe it to our Asian friends to help them through this crisis,” said Obama, “That is why I’m prepared to go to China, bow down to Mr. Jintao and kiss his ring.”

The President almost left before he remembered what he was going to China for.

“Oh yeah,” said Obama, “There was more than just the bowing part. We’ll also set him up with an emergency search alternative. I’m sure we can find a bunch of Yahoos who can help out.”

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