Bones Benefit From Beer

In a recent edition of the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture, researchers from the University of California at Davis have found that beer is a significant source of silicone, which helps increase bone density.

Somebody tell Sally Field, who’s always yakking about osteoporosis,  to put down the BONIVA and pick up a Budweiser.

President Romney: 2009 Just a Bad Dream

Americans woke up to the reassuring voice of President Mitt Romney this morning, suddenly realizing that 2009 had just been one long, bad dream.

“I know a lot of you had the same dream I had,” said Romney, “Barack Obama was elected President and Joe Biden was Vice President. Vice President Fred Thompson and I would like to assure you that all is well.”

Romney explained that GM’s begging for a bailout and subsequent bankruptcy never happened. Instead, GM is a thriving company thanks to the easing of federal regulations that made it impossible to build an affordable car or put gas in it. In fact, Pontiac, GM’s number-one selling brand, has just introduced the new 2010 GTO, a retro-styled performance coupe with a 455 cubic inch V-8 power plant. Pre-sale orders are already through the roof.

The economy is also in much better shape than Americans dreamed, thanks to the war in Iraq. The Romney administration finally faced reality and took control of Iraqi oil wells. The profit paid off war expenses, rebuilt Iraqi infrastructure, and, when paired up with domestic oil drilling, brought the price of crude oil down significantly. Combined with incentives to refineries and a reduction in the gas tax to a barely necessary three cents per gallon, Romney’s programs have allowed retailers to sell gas at 78 cents per gallon again.

As a result, all industries used the reduction in overhead to expand and add thousands of new jobs.

The housing market is also still quite healthy according to Romney. Unlike the horrific collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in our nation’s nightmare, government de-regulation of the mortgage industry allowed lenders to deny loans to people who couldn’t afford houses. The result was a healthy apartment market and a housing market with plentiful availability of quality houses at reasonable prices.

Vice President Thompson was instrumental in ushering an era of peace into the middle-east after several meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who is in good health. Thanks to a coordinated multilateral effort, the Palestinian Authority was removed from power, Hamas was exterminated, and the remaining Palestinians had their rights and privileges restored in Israel, allowing them to resume their Israeli jobs. Those who could not integrate back into society were given moving expenses and an allowance for decent housing in Iran.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lauded the amount of quiet in the middle east region ever since Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and seven of his successors fell to sniper bullets. Iran’s leader has stayed quiet since and even goes as far as not to identify himself.

Not all of the dream was made up. Michael Jackson is still dead and the Gosselins still hate each other. Neither story got much coverage in the mainstream media, however, as they were too busy congratulating NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson for winning his sixth straight Cup and the Nobel Peace Prize for foiling a terrorist attack on American soil.

Democrats are scrambling to find a worthy challenger to Romney and Thompson, especially after frontrunner Barack Obama was caught illegally diverting funds to the defunct, fraudulent community organization ACORN and Joe Biden was caught cheating on his wife with a guy. Nancy Pelosi was planning to announce her candidacy before she fell into a mulch-shredding machine.

At this juncture, it appears the Democrats will be pinning their hopes on Rod Blagojevich.

 

See more of the best political satire at The Endive

Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea for Searching Help

The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing.

Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, pizzas went unordered, and perhaps most disturbing, more than one child per family may have been conceived.

“We have done our best to set up emergency help centers,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao, “However, we set them up online and nobody can find them or figure out how to contact them. It’s best if you just stay in your homes. America, please help us! Send us one of your heroes like Superman or Batman or Elvis or Judge Reinhold. We would contact ourselves, but we can’t even find pictures of them.”

Google pulled out of China this week after the company became frustrated with the country’s heavy censorship.

“Google is an all-or-nothing deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “If you want maps, pictures, video, thousands of blogs, Gmail, everybody’s phone number, pictures of their houses, and every last bit of information in existence; you’ll have to agree to sift through a few web sites that mention the word ‘vagina.’ It’s just a fact of life. No unmentionables, no Google.”

Jintao, while making desperate pleas for help, did not back down from his desire to censor Google.

“Google flagrantly disregards the values that China holds dear,” said Jintao, “So, while we find ourselves suffering because we can’t locate the web page that tells us whether or not Abe Vigoda is dead, we still cannot give up on our fundamental values. Namely, we cannot let Google continue to show us search results that include words like ‘tromboner’ and ‘dipthong.’”

Jintao also expressed displeasure at the alarming number of web sites listed on Google that depict families with more than one child.

“Damn you, Coach Lubbock and your ‘Just the Ten of Us,’” said Jintao, “You will rot in hell alongside the man named Brady who married a harem of unnaturally blond women.”

President Obama pledged to send help to China immediately.

“We owe it to our Asian friends to help them through this crisis,” said Obama, “That is why I’m prepared to go to China, bow down to Mr. Jintao and kiss his ring.”

The President almost left before he remembered what he was going to China for.

“Oh yeah,” said Obama, “There was more than just the bowing part. We’ll also set him up with an emergency search alternative. I’m sure we can find a bunch of Yahoos who can help out.”

For more great political satire, be sure to visit The Endive

A Clue To The Origins Of President Obama

There are many who make the claim that Barack Obama is not eligible to be President because he is not a natural-born U.S. citizen.

Some claim that President Obama was born in Kenya.

Others claim his mother was not an American citizen.

Still others claim that his father was at the time a citizen of a foreign country.

Regardless of the motives of these folks, I think that all of them are full of hot air.

Regardless of where he was born, I’m wondering if President Obama wasn’t raised in the Orient.

Consider the following:

He uses the Far East greeting of bowing when he meets King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia.

He bows when he meets Emperor Akihito of Japan.

And just this week, he once again, unlike any other President, bowed down to yet another political leader:

President Obama, putting aside for a moment the fact that historically, American Presidents don’t bow down to anyone, did you really feel it necessary to bow down in front of this woman?

After all, she’s Pam Iorio, the mayor of Tampa, not a world leader.

Revealed: Movies ARE Made By Chipmanzees

To give you some idea of what I think of the entertainment industry in general, it took my wife and I almost an entire year to use two movie passes that someone had given to us.
That is how long it took to come across something we thought worth going to see.
I can remember thinking, “Who comes up with stuff, a bunch of baboons?”
It turns out that I wasn’t that far off.

The world’s first film shot entirely by chimpanzees is to be broadcast by the BBC as part of a natural history documentary.

The apes created the movie using a specially designed chimp-proof camera given to them by primatologists.

The film-making exercise is part of a scientific study into how chimpanzees perceive the world and each other.

It will be screened within the Natural World programme “Chimpcam” shown on BBC Two at 2000GMT on Wednesday 27 January.

Making the movie was the brainchild of primatologist Ms Betsy Herrelko, who is studying for a PhD in primate behaviour at the University of Stirling, UK.

Over 18 months, she introduced video technology to a group of 11 chimpanzees living in a newly built enclosure at Edinburgh Zoo, UK.

The enclosure, which contains three large interlinked outdoor arenas, as well as a series of smaller rooms in which the apes can be studied by researchers, is the largest of its kind in the world.

Despite the fact that the chimps had never taken part in a research project before, they soon displayed an interest in film-making.

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Famous Comedy Duo Jailed On Drug Charges

I didn’t even know that these guys were still alive, let alone dealing cocaine!

Carlos Laurel, 31, and Andre “Sug” Hardy, 39, of Lincoln Street, face eight charges related to cocaine trafficking. Police arrested Laurel and Hardy after they showed up at a Kingston residence and allegedly delivered 50 bags of cocaine to the unidentified occupant Tuesday at about 5:53 p.m. Police estimate street value of the cocaine was $2,500.

Hardy, who is on federal parole for previous cocaine distribution charges, also had 10 bags of marijuana hidden in his waistband, cash and a cell phone. Laurel is on Luzerne County probation until 2013 and has been previously arrested on drug-related charges, according to Luzerne County records.

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Al Gore Is Tired Of Waiting, Takes Matters Into His Own Hands

It seems that the entire focus of President Obama and Congress is on passing a health care reform bill.
Sure, the “cap and trade” measure is still on the table, but it isn’t getting nearly the attention.
This lack of focus on climate change, while the earth is in the balance, is particulary troubling to global warming guru Al Gore.
Mr. Gore fears that the end is coming soon, and rather than see the family name die out, decided to take measures into his own hands.

Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

“I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen,” said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. “They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn’t they heed me before it was too late?”

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity’s hubristic folly.

“There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,” Gore said. “I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.”

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate’s retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore’s campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

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Our Favorite Obama Movies

The past few nights, we have been having some fun with #hashtags on Twitter, and we thought we would bring the fun to our readers of the Freedom Medium.

We aren’t claiming credit for this being one of our own original works, but we wanted to pass it along to our readers as a method of supporting the arts.

We are doing this article in an open-thread style, leave a comment on which Obama movie is your favorite, or tell us about one of your favorites.

Here is a partial list of our favorite Obama movies, in no particular order:

Dude,Where’s My Czar?

All Quiet On The Economic Front

Obama Python and the Epic Phail

Saving George Soros

Commie Dearest

There’s Nothing About Barry

Swindler’s List

Too Fast Too Fascist

Obamalypse Now

Barack To The Future

There’s Something About Alinsky

Saving Private Healthcare

The Manchild Who Would Be King

Sleeping with Our Enemies

Phantom Of The Oprah

Porous Stump

The Good, The Bad, And The Socialist

Barefoot In The Pork

The Diarrhea Of Barney Frank

Terms Of Entitlements

Nightmare On K Street

All The President’s Madmen

Lost In Taxation

Obama Jones and The Fox Crusade

 

That’s it for now.

Grab some popcorn, send us a comment on which one is your favorite, and if there is one that you know about that we missed, be sure to let us know.

The Day Obamacare Died: Obama Concedes The Death Of Health Care Reform

What caused the death of Obamacare?

Some will claim it was the actions of Tea Party attendees.

Others will say it was people speaking out against health care “reform” at town hall meetings.

Perhaps, as happened when Hillary Clinton tried a similar scheme when Bill was President, the more facts that people learned about the plan, the less they liked it.

It might have been the failure of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to gain the support of the “Blue Dog Democrats.”

Radio talk show hosts, such as Rush Limbaugh, spending hundreds of hours revealing the hidden details, may have been a factor.

Rationed care, euthanasia counseling, an enormous pricetag, and the fact that some numbskull who couldn’t get a job at the DMV was now going to be deciding your medical treatment also entered into the equation.

Regardless of the reasons, at least President Obama left us a reminder of his eforts:

The 7 Wonders of Communism

Communism sure is a miraculous system. When I heard the following I was reminded of George Orwell’s 1984.

The 7 Wonders of Communism (AKA, Socialism)

1. Everybody holds a job.

2. Even though everybody holds a job, no one actually works.

3. Even though no one actually works, the production plans are being fulfilled.

4. Even though the production plans are being fulfilled, there are shortages.

5. Even though there are shortages, one can somehow obtain everything.

6. Even though one can somehow obtain everything, everybody keeps stealing things from the state.

7. Even though everybody keeps stealing things from the state, there was enough for everyone.

This satirical account of the Communist system has been disseminated throughout Eastern Europe where Communism bankrupted and led to the destruction of the Soviet Union and its economy.

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