There’s A Communist Living In The White House

I admit to having never been a big fan of Saturday Night Live.

And what passes for political humor on the show nowadays, as well as in it’s glory days, never struck me as all that funny.

Which may have been because they seemed to favor making conservatives look like buffons, and liberals look like rocket scientists.

I will also admit that I may have been missing something, as shown here by SNL alum Victoria Jackson:

President Romney: 2009 Just a Bad Dream

Americans woke up to the reassuring voice of President Mitt Romney this morning, suddenly realizing that 2009 had just been one long, bad dream.

“I know a lot of you had the same dream I had,” said Romney, “Barack Obama was elected President and Joe Biden was Vice President. Vice President Fred Thompson and I would like to assure you that all is well.”

Romney explained that GM’s begging for a bailout and subsequent bankruptcy never happened. Instead, GM is a thriving company thanks to the easing of federal regulations that made it impossible to build an affordable car or put gas in it. In fact, Pontiac, GM’s number-one selling brand, has just introduced the new 2010 GTO, a retro-styled performance coupe with a 455 cubic inch V-8 power plant. Pre-sale orders are already through the roof.

The economy is also in much better shape than Americans dreamed, thanks to the war in Iraq. The Romney administration finally faced reality and took control of Iraqi oil wells. The profit paid off war expenses, rebuilt Iraqi infrastructure, and, when paired up with domestic oil drilling, brought the price of crude oil down significantly. Combined with incentives to refineries and a reduction in the gas tax to a barely necessary three cents per gallon, Romney’s programs have allowed retailers to sell gas at 78 cents per gallon again.

As a result, all industries used the reduction in overhead to expand and add thousands of new jobs.

The housing market is also still quite healthy according to Romney. Unlike the horrific collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in our nation’s nightmare, government de-regulation of the mortgage industry allowed lenders to deny loans to people who couldn’t afford houses. The result was a healthy apartment market and a housing market with plentiful availability of quality houses at reasonable prices.

Vice President Thompson was instrumental in ushering an era of peace into the middle-east after several meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who is in good health. Thanks to a coordinated multilateral effort, the Palestinian Authority was removed from power, Hamas was exterminated, and the remaining Palestinians had their rights and privileges restored in Israel, allowing them to resume their Israeli jobs. Those who could not integrate back into society were given moving expenses and an allowance for decent housing in Iran.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lauded the amount of quiet in the middle east region ever since Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and seven of his successors fell to sniper bullets. Iran’s leader has stayed quiet since and even goes as far as not to identify himself.

Not all of the dream was made up. Michael Jackson is still dead and the Gosselins still hate each other. Neither story got much coverage in the mainstream media, however, as they were too busy congratulating NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson for winning his sixth straight Cup and the Nobel Peace Prize for foiling a terrorist attack on American soil.

Democrats are scrambling to find a worthy challenger to Romney and Thompson, especially after frontrunner Barack Obama was caught illegally diverting funds to the defunct, fraudulent community organization ACORN and Joe Biden was caught cheating on his wife with a guy. Nancy Pelosi was planning to announce her candidacy before she fell into a mulch-shredding machine.

At this juncture, it appears the Democrats will be pinning their hopes on Rod Blagojevich.

 

See more of the best political satire at The Endive

Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea for Searching Help

The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing.

Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, pizzas went unordered, and perhaps most disturbing, more than one child per family may have been conceived.

“We have done our best to set up emergency help centers,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao, “However, we set them up online and nobody can find them or figure out how to contact them. It’s best if you just stay in your homes. America, please help us! Send us one of your heroes like Superman or Batman or Elvis or Judge Reinhold. We would contact ourselves, but we can’t even find pictures of them.”

Google pulled out of China this week after the company became frustrated with the country’s heavy censorship.

“Google is an all-or-nothing deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “If you want maps, pictures, video, thousands of blogs, Gmail, everybody’s phone number, pictures of their houses, and every last bit of information in existence; you’ll have to agree to sift through a few web sites that mention the word ‘vagina.’ It’s just a fact of life. No unmentionables, no Google.”

Jintao, while making desperate pleas for help, did not back down from his desire to censor Google.

“Google flagrantly disregards the values that China holds dear,” said Jintao, “So, while we find ourselves suffering because we can’t locate the web page that tells us whether or not Abe Vigoda is dead, we still cannot give up on our fundamental values. Namely, we cannot let Google continue to show us search results that include words like ‘tromboner’ and ‘dipthong.’”

Jintao also expressed displeasure at the alarming number of web sites listed on Google that depict families with more than one child.

“Damn you, Coach Lubbock and your ‘Just the Ten of Us,’” said Jintao, “You will rot in hell alongside the man named Brady who married a harem of unnaturally blond women.”

President Obama pledged to send help to China immediately.

“We owe it to our Asian friends to help them through this crisis,” said Obama, “That is why I’m prepared to go to China, bow down to Mr. Jintao and kiss his ring.”

The President almost left before he remembered what he was going to China for.

“Oh yeah,” said Obama, “There was more than just the bowing part. We’ll also set him up with an emergency search alternative. I’m sure we can find a bunch of Yahoos who can help out.”

For more great political satire, be sure to visit The Endive

My Christmas Present To The ACLU

Relax, relax, I haven’t lost my mind.

I would never waste my money buying anything for anyone who belongs to the ACLU.

Unless I could get them a brain, or some common human decency.

Maybe even just some simple common sense.

Instead, I came across this video clip which, although it is satarical in nature, pretty much sums up the work that the ACLU is doing to, I mean for, America.

Merry Christmas to all of you at the ACLU.

You liberal scumbags:

Top Ten Books For The Liberals On Your Christmas Gift List

All right, it may have been a mistake to use the word “Christmas” in the title of this article, but old habits die hard.

Feel free to substitute “Holiday”, “Festival of Trees”, or “Non-Demoniational Celebration Of The Winter Solstice” if you have an undying urge to be politically correct.

Regardless, we here at the Freedom Medium are aware that many of us, in spite of our efforts to instill them with some common sense, have family members of the liberal persuasion.

We all know that liberals love taking things from other people, and so that they don’t feel left out at this time of year, we present a list of reading material they are sure to treasure.

1. The Collected Wisdom Of Al Gore
The fact that this paperback sequel to “Earth In The Balance” is made from 100% recycled paper is far from being it’s only earth friendly attribute.
With 442 blank pages, it also doesn’t use any of that eco-unfriendly ink stuff.

2. The Illustrated Janeane Garofalo
Having little if anything to say about anything other than accusing Tea Party protestors of being racists, along with having an acting biography as a Hollywood never-was, this book is still fascinating for the liberal on your Christmas list for the pretty illustrations of Janeane’s tattoos.

3. The Hillary Clinton Guide To Surviving Sniper Fire
One of the best-selling fiction books of all time, read how the fertile imagination of America’s former First Lady portrayed being under attack when a helicopter landing placed her into the middle of a combat zone.

4. How To Get A Ten Million Dollar Federal Grant For Your Family
The amazing true story (seriously, this did indeed happen) of a Congressman from a small town in Pennsylvania and how he steered a ten million dollar federal grant to Cornerstone Technologies, a company run by members of his immediate family.
Be warned, the story has a tragic ending when the corporation goes bankrupt and stores it’s remaining assets in the garage of a bowling alley.

5. How To Spot A Conservative (By Anonymous)
The author of this guide preferred to keep his or her identity a secret while revealing the tell-tale signs that someone you come in contact with may be a right-wing nut job.
It goes beyond the normal clues such as being pro-life, being in favor of limited government intrusion, watching Fox News, etc., and delves into some of the more subtle aspects, such as conservatives disguising themselves as being members of the working class, drinking beer instead of Martinis, raising decent, law-abiding children, as well as a host of other subtle clues.

6. How To Be Clueless and Still Take A Stand (By the members of Organizing For America)
This thin volume is a quick read as it outlines how the members of OFA attend town hall meetings promoting the President’s  health care reform package in spite of having no knowledge whatsoever of the details of the bill.

7. The Nancy Pelosi “Not In My Backyard” Story
A fascinating tale of how the Speaker Of The House resisted the call to transfer terrorist prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Alcatraz, a virtually escape-proof island prison in the San Francisco Bay.
Read how the Speaker feels that housing terrorists at a site that is now under the control of the National Parks Service doesn’t mean that a prison that no one ever escaped from a better choice than some place in the heart of America.

8. Universal Health Care For Everyone….Except Us (By The Democrat Members Of The U.S. Congress)
Learn the real reasons why all of the liberal members of Congress want to impose Obamacare on all of us, penalize anyone with what they call a “Cadillac” plan, and at the same time keep the Rolls-Royce plan that covers them.

9. An Unbiased Guide To Biased Journalism (By The Mainstream Media)
A fascinating look behind the scenes at some of America’s major news orginizations. Just some of the highlights are:
Keith Olbermann explains why evertone in the world but himself is the worst person ever.
Rachel Maddow points out how our country needs to bring back the Fairness Doctrine so that Air America can go bankrupt once again, and therfore be eligible for a federal bailout.
Chris Matthews provides an explanation as to why having a tingle running up your leg is just a natural political process.
The book also has a prologue by Al Franken describing how his being part of the cast of Saturday Night Live qualifies him to be a United States Senator.

10. The David Letterman Guide To Gourmet Shoe Polish
If you are one of those folks who is always pulling off some sort of gaffe, this book is for you!
If you find yourself sticking your foot in your mouth on a regular basis, you want to taste more than regular shoe leather, don’t you?
Learn which flavors go best with a jest about Sarah Palin’s daughter, the most satisfying flavor after having sex with an intern (boy, Bill Clinton could have really used a copy of this book), and a host of other tips to keep you from tasting plain old leather as you pry your foot out of your mouth.
For those of you hoping to get your hands on the first copy of this guide, sorry, but that one has already been given to Vice-President Joe Biden.

So there you have it, a reading list sure to delight any liberal on your Christmas shopping list.

Just be sure not to call it a Christmas present.

Why Did God Do This To Liberals?

There is a reason why many liberals don’t believe in God.

It’s because he has been unfair to them.

He gave something to the rest of us that liberals don’t have.

It’s the only conclusion I can come to.

In thinking over some basic liberal beliefs, the only logical conclusion is that liberals are missing a few brain cells, mainly the ones that give the rest of us common sense and prevent us from being hypocrites.

Otherwise, how can they believe the following?:

That Al Gore is a hero for speaking out against global warming.
As he leaves his home, which has the highest energy consumption in the state, boards a private jet, and then takes a limo to wherever he is promoting his dogma.

Liberals applaud the ACLU for fighting for the rights of the average American.
While they overlook the fact that the ACLU wages war against such traditions as the Boy Scouts of America, the NRA, Christmas, and numerous other decent and moral things.
The fact that the ACLU lobbies for the “rights” of terrorists and provides legal representation to such groups as the North American Man-Boy Love Association doesn’t bother a liberal in the least.

Liberals support abortion on demand.
And they oppose the death penalty.

Liberals feel that it is fine for such experts as Danny Glover, Sean Penn, George Clooney and the like to air their views on American political policies.
But when Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter or Glenn Beck share their thoughts, they should be restricted by a “Fairness” Doctrine.

Liberals openly support gay rights parades.
Yet feel that Christmas Nativity scenes should be illegal.

That “racial profiling” of Muslims is wrong.
But that returning war vets are “potential domestic terrorists.”

That it’s fine for a kid to bring a book about Adolph Hitler or Karl Marx to school.
Yet that a kid carrying a Bible should be expelled.

That Fox News is nothing more that an offshoot of the Republican Party.
And that Keith Olbermann, Katie Couric, Chris Matthews, etc. simply report the news without any personal bias.

Liberals will cite the U.S. Constitution when they speak about the “separation of church and state.
Despite the fact that that phrase is not included in the Constitution.

Liberals believe that Barack Obama deserved the Nobel Peace Prize.
In spite of the fact that he has done nothing to earn it, and he was only in office for a month or two when he was nominated.

They believe Obama and Pelosi when they say that universal health care will lead to a reduction in the federal deficit.
They never ask how insuring the (supposedly) 45 million Americans without health insurance will make money.

Liberals will repeatedly bash Judaism and Christianity.
But they become angry if they hear anyone say anything bad about Islam.

So the next time you hear a liberal spouting off with some stupid statement, try and keep in mind that it’s not entirely their fault.

Al Gore Is Tired Of Waiting, Takes Matters Into His Own Hands

It seems that the entire focus of President Obama and Congress is on passing a health care reform bill.
Sure, the “cap and trade” measure is still on the table, but it isn’t getting nearly the attention.
This lack of focus on climate change, while the earth is in the balance, is particulary troubling to global warming guru Al Gore.
Mr. Gore fears that the end is coming soon, and rather than see the family name die out, decided to take measures into his own hands.

Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

“I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen,” said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. “They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn’t they heed me before it was too late?”

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity’s hubristic folly.

“There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,” Gore said. “I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.”

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate’s retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore’s campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

Read the rest of this entry

Our Favorite Obama Movies

The past few nights, we have been having some fun with #hashtags on Twitter, and we thought we would bring the fun to our readers of the Freedom Medium.

We aren’t claiming credit for this being one of our own original works, but we wanted to pass it along to our readers as a method of supporting the arts.

We are doing this article in an open-thread style, leave a comment on which Obama movie is your favorite, or tell us about one of your favorites.

Here is a partial list of our favorite Obama movies, in no particular order:

Dude,Where’s My Czar?

All Quiet On The Economic Front

Obama Python and the Epic Phail

Saving George Soros

Commie Dearest

There’s Nothing About Barry

Swindler’s List

Too Fast Too Fascist

Obamalypse Now

Barack To The Future

There’s Something About Alinsky

Saving Private Healthcare

The Manchild Who Would Be King

Sleeping with Our Enemies

Phantom Of The Oprah

Porous Stump

The Good, The Bad, And The Socialist

Barefoot In The Pork

The Diarrhea Of Barney Frank

Terms Of Entitlements

Nightmare On K Street

All The President’s Madmen

Lost In Taxation

Obama Jones and The Fox Crusade

 

That’s it for now.

Grab some popcorn, send us a comment on which one is your favorite, and if there is one that you know about that we missed, be sure to let us know.

The Day Obamacare Died: Obama Concedes The Death Of Health Care Reform

What caused the death of Obamacare?

Some will claim it was the actions of Tea Party attendees.

Others will say it was people speaking out against health care “reform” at town hall meetings.

Perhaps, as happened when Hillary Clinton tried a similar scheme when Bill was President, the more facts that people learned about the plan, the less they liked it.

It might have been the failure of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to gain the support of the “Blue Dog Democrats.”

Radio talk show hosts, such as Rush Limbaugh, spending hundreds of hours revealing the hidden details, may have been a factor.

Rationed care, euthanasia counseling, an enormous pricetag, and the fact that some numbskull who couldn’t get a job at the DMV was now going to be deciding your medical treatment also entered into the equation.

Regardless of the reasons, at least President Obama left us a reminder of his eforts:

President Obama’s Favorite Beatles Songs

I’ll bet that most of you didn’t even know that the President was a fan of the Fab Four.

See, you people really have to start paying attention!

Not only is Barack Obama a fan of the lads from Liverpool, it’s uncanny just how much some of Beatles’ greatest hits seem like they were written specifically for the President.

Of course, all of this is simply my own opinion.

I suppose when Janet Napolitano and her thugs at the Department Of Homeland Security come to haul me off to a federal prison for having the audicity to exercise my First Amendment rights, I will officially be labeled as a domestic terrorist.

However, if all of us who disagree with the President become silent, then we truly will have become a “nation of cowards.”

So, having said that , here are my choices for the President’s favorite Beatles songs:

“I’ve lost someone near to me.”
No, not Nancy Pelosi threating to bolt from the ranks over the health care public option.
The trust and respect of the American people.
“Pride comes be-fore a fall.”
Mr. President, don’t let your pride be your downfall.
Admit that this current health care proposal stinks, and tell America it’s time to start over.

Now, for these next two, you have to pay close attention to the words to understand how they are appropriate:

“Money don’t get everything it’s true, but what it don’t get I can’t use.”
I think that pretty much sums up the President’s feelings.

Finally, the last one explains how the President plans on paying for everything.
This one is prophetic:

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