Bones Benefit From Beer

In a recent edition of the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture, researchers from the University of California at Davis have found that beer is a significant source of silicone, which helps increase bone density.

Somebody tell Sally Field, who’s always yakking about osteoporosis,  to put down the BONIVA and pick up a Budweiser.

President Romney: 2009 Just a Bad Dream

Americans woke up to the reassuring voice of President Mitt Romney this morning, suddenly realizing that 2009 had just been one long, bad dream.

“I know a lot of you had the same dream I had,” said Romney, “Barack Obama was elected President and Joe Biden was Vice President. Vice President Fred Thompson and I would like to assure you that all is well.”

Romney explained that GM’s begging for a bailout and subsequent bankruptcy never happened. Instead, GM is a thriving company thanks to the easing of federal regulations that made it impossible to build an affordable car or put gas in it. In fact, Pontiac, GM’s number-one selling brand, has just introduced the new 2010 GTO, a retro-styled performance coupe with a 455 cubic inch V-8 power plant. Pre-sale orders are already through the roof.

The economy is also in much better shape than Americans dreamed, thanks to the war in Iraq. The Romney administration finally faced reality and took control of Iraqi oil wells. The profit paid off war expenses, rebuilt Iraqi infrastructure, and, when paired up with domestic oil drilling, brought the price of crude oil down significantly. Combined with incentives to refineries and a reduction in the gas tax to a barely necessary three cents per gallon, Romney’s programs have allowed retailers to sell gas at 78 cents per gallon again.

As a result, all industries used the reduction in overhead to expand and add thousands of new jobs.

The housing market is also still quite healthy according to Romney. Unlike the horrific collapse of Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac in our nation’s nightmare, government de-regulation of the mortgage industry allowed lenders to deny loans to people who couldn’t afford houses. The result was a healthy apartment market and a housing market with plentiful availability of quality houses at reasonable prices.

Vice President Thompson was instrumental in ushering an era of peace into the middle-east after several meetings with Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, who is in good health. Thanks to a coordinated multilateral effort, the Palestinian Authority was removed from power, Hamas was exterminated, and the remaining Palestinians had their rights and privileges restored in Israel, allowing them to resume their Israeli jobs. Those who could not integrate back into society were given moving expenses and an allowance for decent housing in Iran.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell lauded the amount of quiet in the middle east region ever since Mahmoud Ahmedinejad and seven of his successors fell to sniper bullets. Iran’s leader has stayed quiet since and even goes as far as not to identify himself.

Not all of the dream was made up. Michael Jackson is still dead and the Gosselins still hate each other. Neither story got much coverage in the mainstream media, however, as they were too busy congratulating NASCAR driver Jimmy Johnson for winning his sixth straight Cup and the Nobel Peace Prize for foiling a terrorist attack on American soil.

Democrats are scrambling to find a worthy challenger to Romney and Thompson, especially after frontrunner Barack Obama was caught illegally diverting funds to the defunct, fraudulent community organization ACORN and Joe Biden was caught cheating on his wife with a guy. Nancy Pelosi was planning to announce her candidacy before she fell into a mulch-shredding machine.

At this juncture, it appears the Democrats will be pinning their hopes on Rod Blagojevich.

 

See more of the best political satire at The Endive

Googleless China Makes Urgent Plea for Searching Help

The Chinese government made a desperate plea for help after Google ceased operations in the country, leaving them unable to find a damn thing.

Streets were crowded with people who had no clue how to reach their destinations, families lost contact with each other, pizzas went unordered, and perhaps most disturbing, more than one child per family may have been conceived.

“We have done our best to set up emergency help centers,” said Chinese President Hu Jintao, “However, we set them up online and nobody can find them or figure out how to contact them. It’s best if you just stay in your homes. America, please help us! Send us one of your heroes like Superman or Batman or Elvis or Judge Reinhold. We would contact ourselves, but we can’t even find pictures of them.”

Google pulled out of China this week after the company became frustrated with the country’s heavy censorship.

“Google is an all-or-nothing deal,” said Google CEO Eric Schmidt, “If you want maps, pictures, video, thousands of blogs, Gmail, everybody’s phone number, pictures of their houses, and every last bit of information in existence; you’ll have to agree to sift through a few web sites that mention the word ‘vagina.’ It’s just a fact of life. No unmentionables, no Google.”

Jintao, while making desperate pleas for help, did not back down from his desire to censor Google.

“Google flagrantly disregards the values that China holds dear,” said Jintao, “So, while we find ourselves suffering because we can’t locate the web page that tells us whether or not Abe Vigoda is dead, we still cannot give up on our fundamental values. Namely, we cannot let Google continue to show us search results that include words like ‘tromboner’ and ‘dipthong.’”

Jintao also expressed displeasure at the alarming number of web sites listed on Google that depict families with more than one child.

“Damn you, Coach Lubbock and your ‘Just the Ten of Us,’” said Jintao, “You will rot in hell alongside the man named Brady who married a harem of unnaturally blond women.”

President Obama pledged to send help to China immediately.

“We owe it to our Asian friends to help them through this crisis,” said Obama, “That is why I’m prepared to go to China, bow down to Mr. Jintao and kiss his ring.”

The President almost left before he remembered what he was going to China for.

“Oh yeah,” said Obama, “There was more than just the bowing part. We’ll also set him up with an emergency search alternative. I’m sure we can find a bunch of Yahoos who can help out.”

For more great political satire, be sure to visit The Endive

Famous Comedy Duo Jailed On Drug Charges

I didn’t even know that these guys were still alive, let alone dealing cocaine!

Carlos Laurel, 31, and Andre “Sug” Hardy, 39, of Lincoln Street, face eight charges related to cocaine trafficking. Police arrested Laurel and Hardy after they showed up at a Kingston residence and allegedly delivered 50 bags of cocaine to the unidentified occupant Tuesday at about 5:53 p.m. Police estimate street value of the cocaine was $2,500.

Hardy, who is on federal parole for previous cocaine distribution charges, also had 10 bags of marijuana hidden in his waistband, cash and a cell phone. Laurel is on Luzerne County probation until 2013 and has been previously arrested on drug-related charges, according to Luzerne County records.

Read the rest of this entry

Top Ten Books For The Liberals On Your Christmas Gift List

All right, it may have been a mistake to use the word “Christmas” in the title of this article, but old habits die hard.

Feel free to substitute “Holiday”, “Festival of Trees”, or “Non-Demoniational Celebration Of The Winter Solstice” if you have an undying urge to be politically correct.

Regardless, we here at the Freedom Medium are aware that many of us, in spite of our efforts to instill them with some common sense, have family members of the liberal persuasion.

We all know that liberals love taking things from other people, and so that they don’t feel left out at this time of year, we present a list of reading material they are sure to treasure.

1. The Collected Wisdom Of Al Gore
The fact that this paperback sequel to “Earth In The Balance” is made from 100% recycled paper is far from being it’s only earth friendly attribute.
With 442 blank pages, it also doesn’t use any of that eco-unfriendly ink stuff.

2. The Illustrated Janeane Garofalo
Having little if anything to say about anything other than accusing Tea Party protestors of being racists, along with having an acting biography as a Hollywood never-was, this book is still fascinating for the liberal on your Christmas list for the pretty illustrations of Janeane’s tattoos.

3. The Hillary Clinton Guide To Surviving Sniper Fire
One of the best-selling fiction books of all time, read how the fertile imagination of America’s former First Lady portrayed being under attack when a helicopter landing placed her into the middle of a combat zone.

4. How To Get A Ten Million Dollar Federal Grant For Your Family
The amazing true story (seriously, this did indeed happen) of a Congressman from a small town in Pennsylvania and how he steered a ten million dollar federal grant to Cornerstone Technologies, a company run by members of his immediate family.
Be warned, the story has a tragic ending when the corporation goes bankrupt and stores it’s remaining assets in the garage of a bowling alley.

5. How To Spot A Conservative (By Anonymous)
The author of this guide preferred to keep his or her identity a secret while revealing the tell-tale signs that someone you come in contact with may be a right-wing nut job.
It goes beyond the normal clues such as being pro-life, being in favor of limited government intrusion, watching Fox News, etc., and delves into some of the more subtle aspects, such as conservatives disguising themselves as being members of the working class, drinking beer instead of Martinis, raising decent, law-abiding children, as well as a host of other subtle clues.

6. How To Be Clueless and Still Take A Stand (By the members of Organizing For America)
This thin volume is a quick read as it outlines how the members of OFA attend town hall meetings promoting the President’s  health care reform package in spite of having no knowledge whatsoever of the details of the bill.

7. The Nancy Pelosi “Not In My Backyard” Story
A fascinating tale of how the Speaker Of The House resisted the call to transfer terrorist prisoners from Guantanamo Bay to Alcatraz, a virtually escape-proof island prison in the San Francisco Bay.
Read how the Speaker feels that housing terrorists at a site that is now under the control of the National Parks Service doesn’t mean that a prison that no one ever escaped from a better choice than some place in the heart of America.

8. Universal Health Care For Everyone….Except Us (By The Democrat Members Of The U.S. Congress)
Learn the real reasons why all of the liberal members of Congress want to impose Obamacare on all of us, penalize anyone with what they call a “Cadillac” plan, and at the same time keep the Rolls-Royce plan that covers them.

9. An Unbiased Guide To Biased Journalism (By The Mainstream Media)
A fascinating look behind the scenes at some of America’s major news orginizations. Just some of the highlights are:
Keith Olbermann explains why evertone in the world but himself is the worst person ever.
Rachel Maddow points out how our country needs to bring back the Fairness Doctrine so that Air America can go bankrupt once again, and therfore be eligible for a federal bailout.
Chris Matthews provides an explanation as to why having a tingle running up your leg is just a natural political process.
The book also has a prologue by Al Franken describing how his being part of the cast of Saturday Night Live qualifies him to be a United States Senator.

10. The David Letterman Guide To Gourmet Shoe Polish
If you are one of those folks who is always pulling off some sort of gaffe, this book is for you!
If you find yourself sticking your foot in your mouth on a regular basis, you want to taste more than regular shoe leather, don’t you?
Learn which flavors go best with a jest about Sarah Palin’s daughter, the most satisfying flavor after having sex with an intern (boy, Bill Clinton could have really used a copy of this book), and a host of other tips to keep you from tasting plain old leather as you pry your foot out of your mouth.
For those of you hoping to get your hands on the first copy of this guide, sorry, but that one has already been given to Vice-President Joe Biden.

So there you have it, a reading list sure to delight any liberal on your Christmas shopping list.

Just be sure not to call it a Christmas present.

Al Gore Is Tired Of Waiting, Takes Matters Into His Own Hands

It seems that the entire focus of President Obama and Congress is on passing a health care reform bill.
Sure, the “cap and trade” measure is still on the table, but it isn’t getting nearly the attention.
This lack of focus on climate change, while the earth is in the balance, is particulary troubling to global warming guru Al Gore.
Mr. Gore fears that the end is coming soon, and rather than see the family name die out, decided to take measures into his own hands.

Former vice president Al Gore—who for the past three decades has unsuccessfully attempted to warn humanity of the coming destruction of our planet, only to be mocked and derided by the very people he has tried to save—launched his infant son into space Monday in the faint hope that his only child would reach the safety of another world.

“I tried to warn them, but the Elders of this planet would not listen,” said Gore, who in 2000 was nearly banished to a featureless realm of nonexistence for promoting his unpopular message. “They called me foolish and laughed at my predictions. Yet even now, the Midwest is flooded, the ice caps are melting, and the cities are rocked with tremors, just as I foretold. Fools! Why didn’t they heed me before it was too late?”

Al Gore—or, as he is known in his own language, Gore-Al—placed his son, Kal-Al, gently in the one-passenger rocket ship, his brow furrowed by the great weight he carried in preserving the sole survivor of humanity’s hubristic folly.

“There is nothing left now but to ensure that my infant son does not meet the same fate as the rest of my doomed race,” Gore said. “I will send him to a new planet, where he will, I hope, be raised by simple but kindly country folk and grow up to be a hero and protector to his adopted home.”

As the rocket soared through the Gore estate’s retractable solar-paneled roof—installed three years ago to save energy and provide emergency rocket-launch capability in the event that Gore’s campaign to save Earth was unsuccessful—the onetime presidential candidate and his wife, Tipper, stood arm-in-arm, nobly facing their end while gazing up in stoic dignity at the receding rocket, the ecosystem already beginning to collapse around them.

Read the rest of this entry

Our Favorite Obama Movies

The past few nights, we have been having some fun with #hashtags on Twitter, and we thought we would bring the fun to our readers of the Freedom Medium.

We aren’t claiming credit for this being one of our own original works, but we wanted to pass it along to our readers as a method of supporting the arts.

We are doing this article in an open-thread style, leave a comment on which Obama movie is your favorite, or tell us about one of your favorites.

Here is a partial list of our favorite Obama movies, in no particular order:

Dude,Where’s My Czar?

All Quiet On The Economic Front

Obama Python and the Epic Phail

Saving George Soros

Commie Dearest

There’s Nothing About Barry

Swindler’s List

Too Fast Too Fascist

Obamalypse Now

Barack To The Future

There’s Something About Alinsky

Saving Private Healthcare

The Manchild Who Would Be King

Sleeping with Our Enemies

Phantom Of The Oprah

Porous Stump

The Good, The Bad, And The Socialist

Barefoot In The Pork

The Diarrhea Of Barney Frank

Terms Of Entitlements

Nightmare On K Street

All The President’s Madmen

Lost In Taxation

Obama Jones and The Fox Crusade

 

That’s it for now.

Grab some popcorn, send us a comment on which one is your favorite, and if there is one that you know about that we missed, be sure to let us know.

The Day Obamacare Died: Obama Concedes The Death Of Health Care Reform

What caused the death of Obamacare?

Some will claim it was the actions of Tea Party attendees.

Others will say it was people speaking out against health care “reform” at town hall meetings.

Perhaps, as happened when Hillary Clinton tried a similar scheme when Bill was President, the more facts that people learned about the plan, the less they liked it.

It might have been the failure of Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid to gain the support of the “Blue Dog Democrats.”

Radio talk show hosts, such as Rush Limbaugh, spending hundreds of hours revealing the hidden details, may have been a factor.

Rationed care, euthanasia counseling, an enormous pricetag, and the fact that some numbskull who couldn’t get a job at the DMV was now going to be deciding your medical treatment also entered into the equation.

Regardless of the reasons, at least President Obama left us a reminder of his eforts:

President Obama’s Favorite Beatles Songs

I’ll bet that most of you didn’t even know that the President was a fan of the Fab Four.

See, you people really have to start paying attention!

Not only is Barack Obama a fan of the lads from Liverpool, it’s uncanny just how much some of Beatles’ greatest hits seem like they were written specifically for the President.

Of course, all of this is simply my own opinion.

I suppose when Janet Napolitano and her thugs at the Department Of Homeland Security come to haul me off to a federal prison for having the audicity to exercise my First Amendment rights, I will officially be labeled as a domestic terrorist.

However, if all of us who disagree with the President become silent, then we truly will have become a “nation of cowards.”

So, having said that , here are my choices for the President’s favorite Beatles songs:

“I’ve lost someone near to me.”
No, not Nancy Pelosi threating to bolt from the ranks over the health care public option.
The trust and respect of the American people.
“Pride comes be-fore a fall.”
Mr. President, don’t let your pride be your downfall.
Admit that this current health care proposal stinks, and tell America it’s time to start over.

Now, for these next two, you have to pay close attention to the words to understand how they are appropriate:

“Money don’t get everything it’s true, but what it don’t get I can’t use.”
I think that pretty much sums up the President’s feelings.

Finally, the last one explains how the President plans on paying for everything.
This one is prophetic:

I Can’t See Through Obama’s Transparency

Dear President Obama:

If America does end up getting saddled with this “health care reform” package, I hope there is a provision that will allow me to get some really strong glasses.

Because I am really having a difficult time seeing through the transparency of your White House.

And it has to be poor eyesight on my part, since I plainly remember during and after the campaign promising the following:

“My Administration is committed to creating an unprecedented level of openness in Government. We will work together to ensure the public trust and establish a system of transparency, public participation, and collaboration. Openness will strengthen our democracy and promote efficiency and effectiveness in Government.”

Thank God that I remembered that statement, for a while there I thought I was becoming delusional.

Which would have been a real problem in that the people drafting your health care reform bill don’t consider dementia as a condition that should be covered.

However, I still have a problem.

Mr. Obama, I recall you pledging that any piece of legislation that lands on your desk would be available on the internet for people to examine for at least five days before he signed it into law.

I developed carpal tunnel syndrome trying to find the economic stimulus bill, to no avail.

And after my internet service provider explained to me that they were not part of a vast right-wing conspiracy blocking my access to it, we are now on speaking terms again.

Then I remembered how, during the campaign, you berated the Bush administration for not making available to the public a visitors log of who was going in and out of the White House to discuss ongoing legislation negotiations.

That one is understandable, with a bill that’s a thousand pages long you may have used up your supply of ink pens.

Then it hit me.

You pledged that the health care bill drafting process would be covered on C-Span!!!

I didn’t want to yell at my satellite television provider because my C-Span channel wasn’t airing live coverage of the health care negotiations, so I thought that rather than going through the same thing I did with my internet provider, I’d climb up on the roof and adjust the dish myself.

I admit that doing it during a thunderstorm probably wasn’t the best course of action, but I really didn’t get hurt that badly when I fell off of the roof, (luckily I grabbed onto the dish and it broke my fall) and the burns I received when I got struck by lightning are healing nicely, thank you.

Regardless, something this still not right.

I know my internet connection is OK.
My satellite dish  (after they put up a new one) is working properly.

Even the infection I got  when the rabid squirrel who was living in my attic bit me when I went up there to find an old VCR to tape the C-Span coverage on is clearing up.

My doctor says it’s even money that I will recover full use of my right arm.

But things still aren’t right.

Internet, OK.
C-Span is coming in loud and clear.

Yet I still don’t see the transparency that you promised to the American public.

I still don’t see the things you promised coming true.
It must be a problem with my vision.

So, as part of your health care bill, do you think you could add a provision that will allow me to get glasses so that I can see the things you promised?

Just please to be sure to allocate enough funding.

Because glasses powerful enough to allow someone to see you keeping the promises you made are bound to be very expensive.

Next Page »